Birds from Hell

A wild-goose chase, yes, but arsenal grows

Boston.com---In the distance, beyond the view of the drooling border collies, there they were, flaunting their vitality.

The troop of goslings, cute as could be with their golden down and high-pitch squawking, pranced behind their parents along the rocky edge of the Charles River, munching the well-tended grass and relieving themselves whenever they felt the need, oblivious of Len Ellis and his dogs, their stalkers on the Esplanade.

Ellis and his playful predators were otherwise engaged against another covey in the perennial battle with Canada geese, flocks of which continue to occupy broad swaths of the Esplanade and turn the city's front lawn into a minefield of excrement, despite years of efforts to banish them.

"They have everything they need here, plenty of grass, plenty of water, plenty of places to nest," said Ellis, 69, who has spent nearly every day of the last six years in a Sisyphean skirmish with the obstinate birds. "You have to harass them. That's the name of the game - harass them until they don't want to be here anymore."

Yet they keep coming back.

As a result, local officials are now considering more drastic methods before the molting season begins in June and the geese lose their flying feathers for several months.

At a meeting last week between the state Department of Conservation and Recreation and the Esplanade Association, officials discussed recruiting a volunteer force of dog owners who might be allowed to unleash their pooches to aid Ellis, who visits the Esplanade at most two hours a day and can only cover so much ground.

In recent weeks, workers from the US Department of Agriculture's Animal and Plant Health Inspection Service have used special net guns to capture and then kill at least five overly aggressive birds, using carbon dioxide. The USDA already helps local officials keep eggs from hatching by coating them in corn oil - an effort that now takes place every spring from the Esplanade to the Public Garden to Jamaica Pond - but the oil has to be applied within a specific time frame or it is ineffective.

For anyone that has been around freshwater in their lives probably had some sort of interaction with water fowl. And I am almost guarantee that this interaction was a negative one. These birds are called fowl or foul as I like to call them, for a reason. They a vicious, short tempered, and mean harded creatures.

They attack for no reason, and they shit all over the place. I'm pretty sure that in bible the gates of hell are guarded by water foul. They think their smart and try to hypnotize you with their appealing looks so that you get close and you want to pet them, only to strike with a vengeance once you are near. Swans are notorious for this sabotage attack style.

The worst victims are little kids, because society teaches us that these are nice friendly animals. Which there not. I can't tell you how many kids I have seen run for their lives once these birds realize that you have no more bread for them. Which is part of the problem.

Usually every where these birds hang out there are signs that say DO NOT FEED THEM! But does that stop people, fuck no it just makes them feed them more. Which in turn makes these stupid things depended on humans as a food source.

This isn't the same as putting up a bird feeder in the back yard. When you go and refill the feeder birds scatter. However, when any human goes near the water these shit fucks come running at you. And if you are a little kid with no food, your screwed because these animals are more temperamental than ESPN's Steven Angry Smith.

But I have had it with these birds. When I fish and these shit fucks start swimming over to me, I take a page out of their books and I go on the attack first. I'll scream, jump up and down, make angry facial expressions at them. Anything to make them not like humans. But I will not use foul language on these fowl. I do not want to resort to their level.

So I applaud Boston in taking a stand against these vicious animals. Something needs to be done. But I am not for killing anything. I don't believe shooting them and sending attack dogs is the solution. How about fining the people that keep feeding them? Make a $100 dollar fine for everyone caught throwing bread to these pests. Lets put the fear of humans back into these stupid birds.

If they are afriad of humans they will not get tangled in my fishing line (and scare away the fish), they would be less likely to hang out where humans hang out (less shit on the bottom of your shoe), and people don't have to worry about vicious beat down handed out by these birds.

Fine the people!