Man bets and loses $21,000 on baseball game decided by a flock of seagulls

Deadspin---Betting on a mid-June AL Central baseball game seems like a brilliant path to financial freedom, but believe it or not, there are dangers. Like a flock of birds attacking Coco Crisp and costing you a $38,000 payday.

Aaron Smith, of (I assume) Las Vegas, put down two bets totaling $21,750 on last Thursday's matchup between the Royals and Indians, What would possess someone to do such a thing? Well, Zack Greinke was pitching and that guy like ... never loses.

If you don't know what happened, here is the video. The game went into extra innings and was decided when a ball took a bad bounce off a seagull. This is why you shouldn't bet on baseball.

EDIT:MLB will probably pull this video any second.

Am I the only one that thinks this is a bad idea?

Blind, deaf man to lead expedition

Trip will take 20 children through Amazon

GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. (WOOD) - Bill Barkeley spoke Monday downtown Grand Rapids in honor of the fifth anniversary of the Hearing Loss Association of America.

Barkeley has Usher's syndrome, which has caused him to progressively go blind and deaf starting at age 28.

But he doesn't let anything slow him down. In 2007, Barkeley conquered Mount Kilimanjaro, documenting his entire journey. Now, he is spreading his motivational message.

Barkeley will lead an expedition called Hear the World next year, taking 20 hearing-impaired children to the Amazon.

Hey I am all for people with disabilities accomplishing great feats in life. I think it puts an explanation point on how bad my life sucks. But the blind leading the blind in the Amazon Jungle is not something that I would want to be a part of.

What are the parents of these children thinking? Why would they ever let their blind kids go on a jungle safari with a blind and deaf person leading them. This has the recipe for a epic fail.

Here are my odds on what I think will happen.

• 2/5 someone catches a disease (malaria/yellow fever)
  
• 2/1 someone gets bite by a snake
• 100000/1 someone gets whacked in the face with a branch that someone thinks that they are holding for them
• 10/1 someone falls off or down a cliff
• 13/1 group gets attacked by indigenous people
• 4/1 group gets attacked by monkeys
• 2/1 someone gets lost

All the best to them, I hope they all come back.

Billerica's Town Manager gets it

This is for everyone that has been to, or knows about Billerica. I like to think Billerica is in some permanent time vortex where time stands still. Apparently so did the former Town Manger when he busted out these awesome quotes.

Some individuals, and I'm not one of them, are stuck in the '80s


Wendy's is considered to them to be a wonderful thing.


I look at [Billerica] as a town that needs a lot of work.


I'm just saying that you don't photograph well. You don't have curb appeal.

boston.com

Wow, I couldn't have said any better myself. Except for that Wendy's comment because it is the only Wendy's for like 20 square miles, so that shit is a wonderful thing. It's still the only town in America where guy's still peg their jeans, old ladies have more shoulder padding then the football team, and it has the highest hair spray per capita in the world.

Seriously next to Mac 2's, Tom Glavine, and dumb chicks with fake boobs nothing positive has ever come out of Billerica. The Town Manager who quit after making these quotes is obviously a outsider. He sees what people have been seeing in Billerica for decades, possibly for centuries. So I understand why he quit after saying these things. Because people in Billerica like living decades behind modern fashion and technology. (Most popular car is the Iroc-Z) This guy was rocking the boat. Billerica needs a leader that is willing to wear (MC) Hammer pants with Doc Martens. Not some guy that wants to better the town. So good for Billerica.

Women sues Cap'n Crunch

Judge kills suit claiming 'crunchberrries' aren't real fruit

USA Today---This tale of an attempted cereal killing comes to you courtesy of the legal blog Lowering the Bar.

A federal judge in California has dismissed a complaint filed by a San Diego woman who had bought "Cap'n Crunch with Crunchberries" for four years believing the cereal contained real berries.

Janine Sugawara cried fraud when she learned the "berries" were only colored cereal balls flavored with strawberry concentrate. She sued the manufacturer on behalf of all crunchberry-eating Americans.

Judge Morrison England Jr. drowned the claim with the milk of common sense:

"This Court is not aware of, nor has Plaintiff alleged the existence of, any actual fruit referred to as a "crunchberry."

Well I didn't see this coming. I am not a cereal eater, but when I do. I usually go with the Cap'n. Nah, not this one. Ruins my morning.
More like this happy guy.
I am actually a huge fan of the Christmas Crunch.
I love my crunchberries as much as the next guy, but it looks like this women loves them more than me. I am not sure why it took her four years to read the side of the box that has the ingredients. Probably because she is fat, or too busy doing the games on the back of the box.
I actually feel bad for this lady. Because once I was tricked in a Nigerian internet scam that my colored cereal balls were actually fruit as well. So I know how this women feels. And what is this world coming to? If crunchberries aren't real, what's next? Tomorrow I probably read how snozberries aren't real.

There are way too many useless studies done by academia insitutions

I saw this in Cosmopolitian. And why do I read Cosmo? Because I can.

Beer goggles are a myth!

Cosmo---In a groundbreaking discovery, scientists have found that there's not such thing as "beer goggles" (they were taking a break from finding a cure for cancer, you see). In fact, alcohol actually has the opposite effect, and makes men see women as less attractive. Researchers asked 240 men and women (half of whom had consumed alcohol, to varying effects) to rate photos of women on their attractiveness, and to try to guess their ages. While women found it more difficult to guess the ages of the women in the photos when inebriated, men did not.

Dr Vincent Egan, from the University of Leicester, said: "This study suggests that alcohol consumption and make-up use do not interfere with how old we perceive someone to be.

"Another interesting finding was that overall participants who drank alcohol actually rated all the women in the photos as less attractive, compared to the participants who hadn't drunk alcohol. This seemingly flies in the face of the commonly held notion of 'beer goggles'."

The lesson? Don't get tanked - you'll find that guy at the bar a lot more enticing.

This makes no fucking sense. Anyone who had ever drank if their life knows what beer goggles are. And there fucking real.

I would love to see how Dr. Vincent Egan proposed this study for grant money. Something along the lines of getting people drunk and see if they hump ugly people.

I think everyday I read about some useless study that some professor does at some school that is absolutely useless. What possibly benefits do useless studies have to society? For awhile I thought they provide none.

But I figure some that douche will need to do a study on everything. If something hasn't been done before, then someone will do it. That is just the nature of useless studies.

If your going to wasting money, might as well do it scientifically. Because what else would colleges be spending money on, education?

Here are some useless studies that I would like to see done.

• The study on why fat people move so slowly, unless there is a open seat on the train, in which they turn instantly into a gazelle.
• The study on how many dingleberries a adult male produces in a year.
• The study on how some vegetarian's are fat.
• The study on why there are still Americans that don't believe 9/11 was a inside job. (really this boggles my mind)
• The study on why girls say one thing, but actually mean something else.
• The study on why I hate fat people.
• The study on where socks go when you wash your clothes.
• The study on why nut jobs continue to think corn chips, stains in windows, poo stains on the floor, and other shit are actually imagines of Jesus.
  

So these are a couple useless studies that I would like to see done. I figure that stupid studies will always get done, so instead of always bitching about them. Might as well throw my ideas out there, and hope one of my studies get a paper written.

Fat people use the race card for people being mean to them

This is the silliest thing I have read in a while.

Boston.com---At the end of the trial, all the women had gained weight. But the women who said they felt higher levels of racism gained more weight and had bigger waist-size increases compared to the women who felt the least racism. That held true after accounting for factors such as education, geographic region, and beginning body mass index.

Come on! Yes, there are racist people out there. But give me a break people don't like fat people. Most Americans are fat, and that is one reason why other countries don't like us.

I like everyone, except fat people. Does that make me racist? Well yes, if you include fat as a race. The fat people in this study are looking for a excuse on why they are fat, and its not because of race. Its because of french fries, and their lazy asses. So instead of blaming mean people because your the size of Ireland, get up off the couch and go for a walk to buy a salad.

Headline of the day: Porn star blows world record bid

PORN star Sexy Cora bit off more than she could chew when she tried to break the ORAL SEX world record for a new blue movie.

The Sun---Blonde Cora — real name Carolin Berger — had aimed to service 200 punters in Hamburg, Germany.

But she was forced to call off the bid when she collapsed after reaching her 75th man and was rushed to hospital with breathing difficulties.

The 21-year-old star is currently on police bail for filming sex scenes for another porno in a family park in broad daylight.

She is facing indecency charges after outraged families called cops.

Her semi-naked co-stars had to be rounded up by police as they fled including one who broke his wrist when he tripped over his trousers.

Only made it to 75 men? What a disgrace. Even if she made it to the full 200 men, she is still short of the record, which is held by Summer Nyte. In 2005 she blew 249 men. But hey, she is only 21, still time to work on her technique.

Is this story real?

2 Russian tourists challenge Florida law prohibiting sex with porcupines

Mosnews.com---Two Russian tourists who challenged a Florida law prohibiting sexual relationship with a porcupine have had to undergo a lengthy treatment for genital inflammation. Anton, 32, and Yevgeny, 30, residents of St. Petersburg, were spending their vacation in the United States with a group of friends, Life.ru website reports. At some point in their journey, the two got hold of a booklet listing the weirdest US laws. Since they were in Florida, their attention was drawn to a Florida law prohibiting sex with porcupines. After a good deal of whiskey, the Russians felt curious about what might have prompted the law, and went in search of the animal. Within one hour, a porcupine was found, and Anton and Yevgeny were drunk and brave enough to take off their pants and approach it. The next morning, both were standing at the Cedars Sinai clinic in Los Angeles, where amazed doctors plucked porcupine needles from their penises. Had the two not fled from Florida quickly enough, they would have had to face the law they had breached. Back in Russia, both men had to undergo a lengthy treatment of inflammation caused by the porcupine needles. Obviously, the two learned nothing from the story of the Russian man who in January lost half of his penis after trying to force a raccoon into oral sex.

A)How did the law banning sex with porcupines come about?

B)Why would someone ever want to challenge this law?

C)Why is there so many Russians in Florida, and why does the craziest shit always happen in Florida? Probably because of the Russians.

D)Why were the Russians drinking whiskey instead of vodka?

E)It only took an hour to find a porcupine? I have never seen a porcupine in my life, and I have looked.

F)How did they not think the quills would end up piercing their privates?

G)How do you flee a state as big of Florida quickly with porcupine quills on your dick?

As you can tell I find this story very unbelievable. But if true, I am all for sterilizing the dumb so that they can't reproduce more offspring. But in this case looks like they already did that.

Friday picture of the day

I hate to make fun of tragedies, but this police sketch is just too funny.

Family of gunned-down mom lives in fear

AJC---Police sketch of suspect sought in fatal shooting of Heather Strube in a Snellville parking lot.

China discoveries another 1000 miles of The Great Wall

China finds another 1,000 miles of the Great Wall

Times Online---It is still not visible from space, but scientists have discovered that the Great Wall of China is about 1,000 miles longer than previously thought.

Most estimates have calculated that the barrier stretches for around 4,500 miles (7,300km) through the Chinese countryside, but modern mapping techniques have discovered that it is even greater.

Well congratulations China you stumped to the level of the Russians for losing a church, and local historians for losing a lighthouse. How do you miss calculate 1000 miles? Fuck I have GPS on my phone and that gets me places with in a few feet. And they can't even calculate a wall that has been there for thousands of years. Aren't the Chinese suppose to be good in math? Maybe there abacuses don't go up that high? Epic bad math.

ARRRR! Dolphins be blocking me Pirate Booty

Thousands of dolphins block Somali pirates

BEIJING, April 14 (Xinhuanet) -- Thousands of dolphins blocked the suspected Somali pirate ships when they were trying to attack Chinese merchant ships passing the Gulf of Aden, the China Radio International reported on Monday.

The Chinese merchant ships escorted by a China's fleet sailed on the Gulf of Aden when they met some suspected pirate ships. Thousands of dolphins suddenly leaped out of water between pirates and merchants when the pirate ships headed for the China's.

The suspected pirates ships stopped and then turned away. The pirates could only lament their littleness before the vast number of dolphins. The spectacular scene continued for a while.

God Dam! World governments can't stop pirates but a pod of dolphin can. The navy needs to hire more hire tech dolphins.

This is the strangest thing you will read today.

digg

So a guy pays his neighbor to knock up his wife, because he is sterile. The guy fails, but manages to sleep with a beauty pageant winner 72 times. Turns out he is sterile too. His wife now tells him that their two kids are not his.

Sounds like a Woody Allen movie, or maybe just Wooden Allen's life.

ShamWow guy arrested for fighting with a hooker

MARCH 27--Meet Vince Shlomi. He's probably better known to you as the ShamWow Guy, the ubiquitous television pitchman who has been phenomenally successful peddling absorbent towels and food choppers. Shlomi, 44, was arrested last month on a felony battery charge following a violent confrontation with a prostitute in his South Beach hotel room. According to an arrest affidavit, Shlomi met Sasha Harris, 26, at a Miami Beach nightclub on February 7 and subsequently retired with her to his $750 room at the lavish Setai hotel. Shlomi told cops he paid Harris about $1000 in cash after she "propositioned him for straight sex." Shlomi said that when he kissed Harris, she suddenly "bit his tongue and would not let go." Shlomi then punched Harris several times until she released his tongue. The affidavit, a copy of which you'll find here, notes that during the 4 AM fight Harris sustained facial fractures and lacerations all over her face (she is pictured here in mug shots snapped following busts in 2008 and 2005). After freeing his tongue, a bleeding Shlomi ran to the Setai lobby, where security summoned cops. Harris refused to cooperate with officers, who recovered $930 from her purse. "Both parties had a strong odor of an alcoholic beverage emitting from their persons," police reported. In a brief telephone interview, Harris declined to answer TSG questions about her run-in with Shlomi, though she did say she is considering a lawsuit against the pitchman. Asked if she worked as a hooker, Harris declined comment. As seen in the below mug shot, Shlomi was also injured during the fracas and, court records show, was treated at Mount Sinai Medical Center.

Via TheSmokingGun

Has it really come to this ShamWow guy? I'm really disappointed in you. For a while I always stuck up for you, I defended your products over your arch nemesis Billy Mays products many of times. I thought your products were always better than his, and your pitch was always more clever and creative. But you threw it all way once you start laying the smack down on prostitutes. So I'm done with you and your products. I hopping on the Billy Mays bandwagon now. theLucky will now be endorsing all of Billy Mays products.

Such As:

Billy Mays Blue Balls


Billy Mays Mighty Puddy


Billy Mays Kaboom


Billy Mays Orange Dub


Billy Mays Never Scrub


And the ultimate slap in the face to the ShamWow, Billy Mays Zorbee. Which is good because I always need to clean up a lot of jizz stains.

So a bobcat walks into a bar

Bobcat walks into Ariz. bar, attacks patrons

Boston Herald — A bobcat has attacked three people in the central Arizona community of Cottonwood, including two men who were bitten by the animal after it wandered inside a bar.

Officers called to the Chapparal Bar arrived to find the bobcat in the parking lot, where they shot and killed it.

Tests were ordered to determine if the animal was rabid. It wasn’t clear how seriously the victims had been wounded.

Cottonwood police say the animal attacked Monday when it scratched a woman who thought she had hit it with her car. Then police got a report of a bobcat acting aggressively toward a woman outside a Pizza Hut.

This sounds like a bad joke. Just like the bad joke about when a horse walks into a bar. Usually when a cougar walks into a bar it's a good thing. Specially if you end up with scratch marks on you by the end of the night. But seriously what was this cat thinking? It was hit by a car and wanted pay back, I can see that. But the first rule of bar fighting is wait for the person to exit the bar before you start shit. If you don't wait its going to get broken up before it really gets going. Or in this case, you get shot by the police.

Fight Club

Fight club' Probed At Home For The Mentally Handicapped

CORPUS CHRISTI, Texas (AP) -- Seven employees at a state-run home for the mentally disabled have been suspended for allegedly staging a "fight club" among residents.

Corpus Christi Police Captain Tim Wilson says the fight clubs were uncovered when someone gave an off-duty police officer a cell phone containing videos of fights at the Corpus Christi State School.

Wilson says the videos show mentally disabled adult clients punching, shoving, and striking each other while the employees watch.

Wilson calls the abuse "appalling." He says police expect to file charges against several employees by the end of the week.

The school opened in 1970 and is home to about 360 people, according to the Web site of the state Department of Aging and Disability Services.

First off, Fight Club is one of my favorite movies of all time. It pisses me off every time I see it on TV my cable box says its only a two star flick. That's bull shit! The movie rocks.

Now its quite obvious in the story above that someone broke the first rule of fight club. But that's what you get when you let retards into the fight club. And in retards, I mean the guys working the fight club. Because the mentally handicap love to fight. That is why they are born with retard strength. They are like superheros, but don't know it.

But I'm just wondering how involved these guys that work there were about this. Did they bet on the fights? Did they train them? Did the participate in random violent attacks like in the movie? My guess is that two of the residents just got into a fight and the people there were just egging them along. I really don't believe that there was a handicap fight club. However, this would make a great sequel to Fight Club.

God dam!

From swimsuit competition glamour to parish pulpit clamor

Boston.com--- On a recent Sunday morning, 30-year-old Nicole Lamarche, a former Miss California, stood before a crowd in a simple clapboard church next to a local watering hole. She wore high-heeled boots, her thin figure draped in a black robe.

"I feel so lucky to be your pastor," she proclaimed.

Lamarche became minister of Cotuit Federated Church two years ago, shaking up its stodgy routine and causing quite a stir in this quiet Cape Cod village of about 2,600 year-round residents.

She says four parishioners defected early on, after people Googled her name and discovered her beauty pageant past, but these days residents credit Lamarche with injecting new dynamism into the town and the church.

Lamarche says she understands that for some the "pastor in a swimsuit thing" is hard to swallow, but she simply needed the money. Loyal members of her congregation accept her explanation, buoying her spirits. Plus, says Lamarche, "If you can walk on a stage in your swimsuit, you can do anything."

After a service earlier this year, the congregation gathered for coffee, fruit salad, and cookies in an adjoining reception room, chattering with each other and the pastor who was once Miss Desert Vista.

This is exactly what the church needs to get people start going again, beauty pageant winners. I may even think about going to church if there is a sexy pastor giving a sermon. Especially if she preaches by screaming "oh God, oh God". I betcha that since she has moved to that church there are a lot more men going to church on Sunday's. And they probably all sit up front and pay attention. Why has it taken this long for a hot chick to start preaching? This would make church so more popular. No one really wants to look at old men ever.

The lottery

So a few days ago I was wondering why only old people win the lottery. And what do you know, a old person wins the lottery. Yahoo---Bob Space, 60, of Toms River, N.J., holds up the $216 million winning Mega Millions lottery ticket during a news conference at Chubb Insurance Company in Whitehouse Station, N.J., Wednesday, March 4, 2009. Space and nine co-workers at Chubb will share the jackpot

And something else about the lottery winners. Why is it mostly a group of people working in some factory somewhere always win in a group? The more I look into the lottery the more I think its fishy.

But now the complete opposite of everything that I had ever thought about the lottery.

Boy wins rights to tropical island in lottery

TAIPEI (Reuters) - A 4-year-old boy has won the use of an uninhabited tropical island, with white sand beaches and clear turquoise waters, in a Taiwan lottery aimed at boosting spending during an economic downturn.

Officials said Yeh Chien-wei, who won the prize at Thursday's draw, will get exclusive rights to the tiny plot in the Taiwan Strait from May through September.

Penghu County, an offshore archipelago, will provide food, drinks, water and electricity to the boy. He has been quoted in local media saying he wants to play in the sea.

You know shit must really suck in Taipei when one of the winnings in the lottery is electricity. But even though I thought only old farts win the lottery how in the hell does a four year win it? So my new conclusion on the lottery is that no one in their prime of their life wins the lottery. Life would be too simple then.

Boy is preforming miracles, ya right!

A BOY of nine is being hailed as a “Messiah” after allegedly performing miracle healings.

The Sun---Villagers claim Mohammad Ponari has cured raging fevers and debilitating illnesses — and even made a mute boy talk again.

At least 5,000 pilgrims a day now flock to be treated with Mohammad’s tonic — made by dipping a “magic stone” in water.

But Muslim leaders in Indonesia want to shut his “clinic” after four people died in a stampede.

The lad is said to have discovered his gift after he was hit by lightning.

He became convinced that an egg-shaped stone he found next to him had healing powers.

Police chief Sutikno told how he saw Mohammad cure the mute boy in Balongsari, East Java, saying: “Ponari shook him and they started fighting, then he began to talk.”

I love stories like this. This just proves that people are fucking nuts. Especially Muslims. Even if I was dying of AIDS I would not let this kid's sticky fingers touch me. Look at the kid, I betcha he still eats his own boogers.

The only thing that would make this story better was if the kid was an albino. Just so it can be even more like the movie Powder.

But hey, I do think its a good thing that people still believe in miracles. Because it gives people hope. I believe in miracles. Like me winning tonight's $212 million MegaMillions jackpot. But I have a theory about large jackpot winners. Once it gets over 200 mil, only old people win it. I can't explain this. Its like a twisted form of karma. Here is buckets over money, but you only have 7-10 years to spend it. Karma blows.

Kids 'crossing croc-infested waters' to get to school in Northern Territory

Australia---CLAIMS children from a remote Aboriginal community must walk through a crocodile-infested billabong to get to school will be investigated the Northern Territory Government.

A caller from Palumpa, about 375km southwest of Darwin, said on ABC radio that students brave the dangerous waterway every day of the wet season. The caller said a ferry service had in the past been used to get the children to school, but was cancelled because it was considered too dangerous. NT Chief Minister Paul Henderson today said it "was the first I've heard of that". But he said he'd look into the claims and "would get right onto" them as a matter of priority. "I don't know what the issues are, it hasn't been raised with me," he said. "Obviously if there are safety issues that's something else, but we will find any way we can to get those kids to school.

These kids need to shut the hell up! Oh, they have to fend off crocodiles when going to school, boo hoo. When I went to school we didn't have half the shit the kids today have. Kids now-a-days have computers in the class rooms. Yes, we did have computers in my school but they had floppy disk drives. Kids today probably don't even know what a floppy disk drive is! The Internet, there was no Internet. If we had to look something up, then we had to use books. Kids today have no idea how inconvenient it is to look something up in book. Especially when you go to the library and find that someone ripped out the page that you needed. What do you do then, nothing because your fucked!

We didn't have computers with Word so that we could type our papers. We had to use typewriters. If you fucked up, guess what you start over. Kids now can send text messages to each other while in class. We were force to pass notes. This was like using the Pony Express. You send the letter off having no idea if it will ever make there, or how many times the wrong person will read it before it gets to its destination.

I admit, at least when I was in school there was never any threats of kids going barzerk and shooting up the place. Arguments were settled in the Warriors fashion, with your fists. You meet after school and duke it out. Now kids are such pussy's that they send hate mail on someones myspace account or try and blow up the school.

I don't feel bad for these kids at all. They should just use google earth and find a better route. And their Aborigine shouldn't they know how to speak crocodilian or something.

Octo mom offered to do porn

LA News---Nadya "OctoMom" Suleman has been offered $1 million to make a pornographic movie by Vivid Entertainment.

The deal also includes health insurance for Suleman's swollen family.

"Nadya obviously needs income to assure that her children are secure so we are offering her up to $1 million to act in one movie," said Steven Hirsch, co-chairman of Vivid. "We've had many single mothers work with us over the years and their income from Vivid has been very helpful to them. We would schedule production so that the movie could be shot in less than a week."

A Vivid spokesman said they hope she receives the offer in the mail today.

Is anyone else disgusted by this? She is not even hot. So I guess she would have to bang 8 dudes, I am not sure if is all at one time or not. Probably not, that's a lot for a porn virgin.

I not sure if she had a C-section or not, but if she didn't I'm sure all 8 dudes can get in there at the same time. This story is gross, but not even half as gross as the Mini Me sex tape.

My prediction is that she holds out until the made for TV movie about her stupid life.