Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Its tourist season

They are here, category 5 tourist season is upon us. I am not sure why so many tourist come to Boston. Is there really that much to see here? But they come, and they come by the thousands from all over.

They are like locust. They emerge after the rainy season when the weather turns warm and humid. They swarm in large groups consume clam chowder and street meat as they move. You do not want to get caught in the middle of such swarms because they are probably speaking some foreign tongue, and are wearing socks with sandals.

Tourist season is so bad in Boston that I can not step out of my house without immediately walking into the middle of a historic walking tour. I estimate that I end up in about 100-200 tourist pictures per year. I do not stop walking when someone is taking a picture. I have no idea why it takes someone 2 minutes to snap a picture. But if you don't want me in your picture, then learn how to take a picture quicker.

If you want to take pictures hop on a duck tour. That way you are at least out of my way. That is of course until you enter the Charles River. The first rule of sailing on the Charles River is watch out for the duck boats. Once in the water its nothing but mayhem. They let little kids drive these crafts, and even though they were designed for use for WWII amphibian assaults. This is 2008 and its not cool to ram sail boats that are minding their own business in the the middle of the river. I am not that good at sailing, I don't need to do emergency maneuvers to try and avoid a land craft in the Charle River.

One thing that will always boggle my mind is why every tourist needs to see Cheers. I think we should put a sign in the baggage claim at Logan airport that states, CHEERS LOOKS NOTHING LIKE WHAT IT DID ON THE TV SHOW AND THE FOOD SUCKS. This would eliminate about half of the "where is Cheers" directions questions that I get.

Why does everyone ask me for directions. Just because I walk at a brisk pace does not mean that I know where shit it. I will probably send you to the wrong way. And why are you asking me, I know you have a tourist map. Everybody has a map. Its like college freshman on their first day of school.

Some friendly tourist advice:
  • Leave the city. Plenty to see outside of Boston, and I don't have to deal with you.
  • That red line on the street, thats the Freedom Trail, follow that.
  • I'm listening to my Ipod, which means I probably won't hear you asking me questions. I'm not rude I just don't want to hear from you.
  • Go on a whale watching tour. Probably one of the few places in the US where you can hop on a boat and see some whales. Plus you are far away from me.
  • Don't go to Cheers, if you really need to go to Cheers go to the one in Faneuil Hall. Better bar and plus you are already in Funeuil Hall. Which is the ultimate tourist trap.
  • Do not try and talk like your from Boston. If you say that you are going to Pahk the cah in Havahd Yahd, you will probably get bitched slapped.
  • What ever you do don't drive. Boston streets were designed by cow paths, they make no sense.

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