Sunday, August 31, 2008

Monday Morning Wedding Quarterbacking

So I went to my buddy's wedding yesterday. I knew it was going to be a blast, but had no idea this was going to lead me into a battle of good vs evil. Leading up to the wedding I had three questions for my friend: is it open bar, will there be scallops wrapped in bacon served, and will there be any chicks there? These are all quite obvious questions for any single guy. The answer were: only for a hour, yes, and slim pickings.

Slim pickings? He said there is one chick but she is really hot. (Like this is a bad thing.) So I said fine, I'll give it a whirl. Because previously I had great success at weddings. And I also realized that all my friends that were still single are rejects (even more worse than me). So I figured there wouldn't be much competition. Informing my single friends of the slim pickings, and telling them of the alleged hotness of the one single girl, then knew they had no shot (because their rejects). So they were all rooting against me. Every slip up along the way, they will be laughing at me.

But lets, lets go over some quick highlights of the wedding night.

  • My roommate's camera batteries died, so instead of putting new batteries in it he went Neanderthal with it. He thought smashing it on the table would get it to work. But no. Its obvious that when smashing doesn't work, then the only way to fix is to submerge it in a glass of water. Charlanderthal later lost his shoes that night. Yes, he lost his shoes. Reports later had him discovering fire and making tools.

  • My other friend pulled his dick out and placed it on the table. Twice. In the middle of the reception. I guess he thought it went well with the mashed potatoes.

  • Catch phrases for the wedding was, "cunt goalie" and "default on her face". We tried to work these phrases into most topics.

  • The grooms older brother thought it was a good idea to capture the mood of his brother's wedding night by having all of us crash into his brothers room, after we emptied out of the bars. Instead of getting it on, they had to deal with our drunk asses. There was rose petals on the bed and all over the floor. I felt totally out of place. We smashed some beers in there, and then pocketed a bunch. Charlanderthal ended up passing our in their bed. And managed to get rose petals shoved up his nose.

  • My friend Slush has a inexplicable extreme hatred for cab drivers. And should seek counseling.

So the hot chick was hot. Defiantly too hot for me. But I said fuck it I'll go for it. After talking a lot of pre-game smack I knew I had to give it a shot.

So shortly before dinner was served, I tried to kick my game. You know, I thought it went well. I was looking sharp, was funny, charming, my aura was totally kicking. Conversation was going well, I was getting some good subconscious cues too. Most people will just pick up on eye contact, but there is a lot of little things, like body positioning, dilated pupils, touching of the hair, and not looking around the room. I thought I did a good job covering up the fact that I had been drinking all day, and cracked my first PBR pounder at 11 that morning.

At dinner a little a bit of doubt was going through my mind.

  • Had a table of people that was dying to see me fail.

  • Just realized that I have hooked up with two people sitting at her table. But nothing too serious, just like second base or something. Wasn't too worried.

  • Realized that one of the people I hooked up with was her friend that she came with. And didn't even recognize her. But that's not really my fault, she changed her hair color and totally got hotter. I am a simple male, such drastic changes confuses me.

  • I knew at some point I would have to explain why people call me Lucky. Which has nothing to do with me being lucky with ladies. It actually has to deal with me being very unlucky in a lot of things. Chicks being one of them. But still every time I explain this, I am not sure people really believe me.

  • And Charlanderthal was already blacking out.

So after dinner I was planning throwing what ever I got out on the table. As in my game, not like my friend that put his junk on the table.

However, out of no where this douchebag wearing a tight v-neck t-shirt shows up. What the fuck was he doing at the wedding? He came out of no where, like poof, out of thin air. I decided to name him Douchie McDouche. And just like flys on shit, he went straight to my hot chick. I found out the next day that this guy was a friends friend or something, and also has a girlfriend.

So this guy was all over this chick. I held my ground, showed patience. I finally saw a douche free moment, so I went in. I was going to finishing up this wedding strong. I have no idea what I was saying but it was working. Douchie McDouche tried to butt in a few times, but he kept coming up empty.

Douchie McDouche finally backed off, but held his ground. He kept circling us like a shark, but finally he disappeared for good. I was like hooray! I slayed the douche dragon, bring out some more scallops wrapped in bacon.

So the wedding ended at 11, so the wedding all decided to go to a bar. At this point me and the hot chick walked to the bar together we are the first ones there. Everything seems to be going fine, but out of no where Douchie McDouche shows up. This time he brought his douchie friends. They were wearing tight v-neck t-shirts as well. Its like what the fuck? Was there some rip in the fabric of time and was Douchie McDouche was sent here from the Jersey Shore to cock block me?

At this point I was drunk, like really drunk. I was surrounded by douche, and it seemed the hot chick malfunctioned because the douche overload. I sort of backed off. I realized the only way to get back into the game was a douche bag move myself. I could try some cheezy lines, or position myself for my own cock block. But did I really want to do that? I would be turning myself into the one thing I despise the most, a douche.

I ended up waving the white flag, and retreating. I went into the game over my head. I wasn't really looking to "get lucky" or default on her face. She was a very nice girl that had her shit together. I would have considered a victory maybe some digits or even a good night hand shake.

As I crawled back to my friends they wanted answers to what happened. For which I didn't have many. I really wasn't sure where I went wrong. (The beer is a good place to start.) My friends brought forth my failures. Ended up being the punch line of many jokes. But I would do nothing different. I will always be fighting the epic battle of good vs evil, or as I see it douche vs non douche.

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